Publication: Weekend Nation
Paper Section And Page: 9
Paper Date: Thu, Jan 20, 2000
Byline: Richard Hoad
NOT ME and this cold weather. Minus 23 and wind-chill on top. Is this the global warming those jackass scientists were predicting, the same jokers who gave us the Y2K willies and all those "can't miss" hurricanes? Trust me, this is a ice-age. All night long I can hear glaciers swooping down Morgan Lewis Hill and barely missing my house. I ain't bading. I ain't changing, except maybe an outside shirt now and then. My brain done freeze. Luckily no one is going to read a Thursday Lowdown so I can get off some correspondence. And therefore:
Dear God,
We recognise that this unconscionable weather is a warning of worse to
come. The country turn beast, Lord. Tings out of hand, yet we boasting
that wukkin' up and womanising is we culture. They want to take down
Nelson, who never forgot to give You thanks, and put up Ree Publick. We
goin' got to pay but, if it be Thy will, give us a l'il easement, hear,
Lord?
Dear Owen,
Happy Barrow's Birthday and election anniversary. It's stock-taking time.
The people say you are doing a good job. But beware of squandering trust
and goodwill. We are slipping in many areas and you seem unwilling to
shake up those responsible. What about crime? After all them threats
and new gun-laws so that my wife wouldn't even touch my weapon for fear
the police might burst in and arrest her, miscreants are getting caught
with guns, manufacturing guns and using guns on others. Yet, not a fellow
ain't get a big fine nor locked away for 25 years.The people saying yuh-all
only bluffing. That the jail full, and the treasury full with VAT money.
And since lock-up and fine is all the punishments we still have,
government can't do nothing. Say it ain't so, Owen.
Dear Bill,
Hope you and Hil are well. As a fellow sax-lover, I want your advice. It
is said that, no matter how great the sax may be, a good mouth-piece is
essential. You have lots of experience in this field. Just recently I saw
on the Rovner web-site that you use a mouth-piece with the "Deep-V"
open-throat feature. Is a "Deep-V" really that good? And have
you tried the "Spoiler"? And, as man, which is the sweetest
mouth-piece you ever had?
I also want your help in another matter. A young Barbadian mother has a baby just over one year old. She really loves this child and has worked hard to raise it single-handedly. This girl has spunk, and has taken out a loan to study in the United States. So far so good. But the day before they were due to leave, the United States Embassy cancelled the baby's visa, allegedly on the grounds that the baby is their guarantee that the mother will come back to Barbados. The mother is devastated, moreso since she has only been able to make temporary arrangements for its care. I can't believe that the United States, with its big song and dance about acting in the best interests of that Cuban boy, would use a one-year-old baby as a hostage, or would deprive a baby of its mother's presence. Tell me it ain't so, Mr. President. And that I can shortly expect a call from your embassy giving the child permission to travel.
Dear 4 X 4 Fanatics,
Just checking if I've got the scenario right: on Sundays you gather on the
East Coast and eat a big Bajan lunch sloshed down with rum-punch. Only one
thing is missing and the wives or girlfriends are hinting like crazy.
"I feel for a ride," says one, thumbs languidly hooked into bikini bottom.
"A long long ride," murmurs another, blissfully unaware (or is she?) that towel slip is opening up untanned territory.
"A passionate pulsating ride," puts in a third, "to the ends of the earth and back."
So you guys wink at each other and drool, "Wowie, girls, really?"
"Not that, yuh idiots," they counter, "we want a real rough ride on those dirt roads outback of Hoad's farm."
So you take them. And stick up. And come to me. And I call MuhCriddy, Soil-Con, Welchtown, Portland, St. Nicholas, Greenland, Recovery, Tow-Me and a few more. Eventually most of you get out. But haven't you learned never to get stuck with a woman unless you have planned beforehand for a pull-out? Say it ain't so, fellows.
Dear Wifey,
I know the little dog jumps up in the middle of the night and gets
spranksious. But you wouldn't leave him out in this freezing
weather, would you? Say it ain't so.
- Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.